Hungry, Cold, Broke and Desperate in Shanghai

Her eye

It's now ten days to my travel to Shanghai. It turns out Jinlin has been feeling quite miserable in there recently.

Signs of trouble come with her falling again progressively more silent in our chat window. In the past month I have written her 140 chat messages, she has written me only 50, most of which have been short statements about how busy she is. There have been periods of many days when I have been daily writing her something small about my life and asking about hers and not getting any replies. I have stated my worry about her silence and my happiness on any replies that she is able to give me.

I know she has been saying she is very busy and I do not doubt that, but seriously, how realistic is that someone does not have even 5 minutes a day (or every second day) to reply something small to "Hello, how are you?" messages? I am last person who wants to start negative speculation on other persons motivations (or lack of such). I do not want to read between lines or from non-existence of lines. Too often in the past my ex-partners have read some sinister intentions to my well-meaning words or interpreted my busy times or technical problems with internet as serious relationship issues. I think one should aim for the positive interpretation and in absence of information simply say "I do not know".

But when days pass, when message after message fades into the depths of internet without reply, when I know she has both a laptop and a smartphone with full messaging capabilities working, sadness and speculation is difficult to avoid. With 5000 kilometers of distance there is no body-language to be read, no observations about daily life. You cannot see from the face of the other one that something is wrong and ask "what is wrong?" In fact with 5000 kilometer distance the lack of messages means lack of any kind of information.

I have written before that Jinlin is not very active in discussing difficult things but rather often chooses to avoid such topics. Jinlin seems to have indeed quite high mental barrier of bringing up problems in discussion. So when silence continues and the rare nuggets of words are small and shallow in meaning, even my non-speculating mind starts to speculate on bad possibilities. Does she not want to continue the relationship? Does she have some awful secret? I am flying to Shanghai in ten days and she has not replied to my requests of planning some activities together. If she does not have 5 minutes per day for me remotely, is there any possibility for any time together there?

Talk the talk

Finally, during last weekend, we had a longer chat and she opened up about her troubles and reasons for silence. Jinlins text in Chinese with my translation, my text in italics:

没办法中国教育, I cannot help the Chinese education system
我很难过,  I am really sad
我身上的钱还有几百块, I have few hundred yen money left [~50 euros]
可是我的坚持到过年,  But this should last until I return home on New Year [Feb 2013]
我现在只吃一点点的饭菜, I can now only eat very few meals per day
今天我只吃了早上和中午, Today I could eat only breakfast and lunch

I'm sad. I though the University to provide you with meals.

我们大学是自己拿钱买卡吃饭。In our university we must pay our own meals
所以我母亲没有那么多钱给我。My mother did not give me much money
很难过。我很没心情    Really sad. Really low mood.

This is very bad. When we meet in Shanghai, I can give to money. I can sen you some before. You should have told me about this problem earlier darling. You should not be alone with such problem.

很遗憾。我之前很难过。 I'm really sorry. I have been really sad already earlier.
我很忙碌。身上的钱不多  I have been really busy. I have very little money
天气变冷我没有保暖的衣服  Weather is getting chilly. I have no warm clothes.
也没有钱去接你  I don't have money to come to airport to welcome you.

Sounds bad. You should have told me. I will help you. When we meet, I will buy your warm clothes. My dear, you must learn to talk to me. I need to know if there is trouble.

我甚至不想你来。I even did not want you to come to Shanghai.
我不仅仅没时间也没钱。I don't only lack time, I also don't have money.
所以我很担心。Hence I have been very worried.
我在周末除了上课就去兼职赚钱 I have tried to do some part-time job after classes.
可是我没有拿到那么多钱。But the pay has been very small.
所以很失望。Hence I have been really desperate.
很抱歉我妈妈并不富裕 I am really sorry my mother is not wealthy

You do not need money because of my trip to Shanghai. I can pay my costs and give you money. Life is not always so easy. But I am glad that you have told me. You have been too silent recently. Such silence is bad in a relationship.

是的。我不想麻烦你。Yes. I did not want to trouble you.
让你给我钱   Did not want to allow you to give me money.
我不告诉你其实是怕你担心我  I did not tell you because I fear you will worry about me.
我很会很难过  Will make me very sad.
谢谢你 Thank you.

Darling, of course I can worry about you. But that is okay. You give me more trouble, if you have a problem but don't talk to me. In recent weeks, I have been worried, because you have talked with me so little. I have been worried that you do not want to speak with me. But now I understand your problem better.

很抱歉我很抱歉 Very sorry, I am really sorry.

Please in the future do not be silent for a long time. If you are silent I might think you do not love me. When you are happy, talk to me. When you're sad, talk to me. If you are busy talk to me a little. We might be sad, still do not stop talking to me. Can you do this?

好的. 我很抱歉  Okay. I'm really sorry
我实在心情不好，我很难  When I am on really low mood, it is difficult to talk.

Thank you darling. I understand that you can be in a bad mood. I can also sometimes be in bad mood. But you can say to me: "Dear, today I feel bad, do not want to talk." This is a okay. I will understand that. This is far better than silence.

很抱歉我很对不起. I'm really sorry, I much apologize

That's okay, it is now good, all is forgiven and I will help you. It is late, go to sleep now. We chat again soon. Even when you in a bad mood ;-)

再见 Bye :-)