Only months after we started to write with Jinlin I slowly become aware that there are some stereotypes about relationships between older white men and younger Asian women exists and not all those stereotypes are unfortunately fully positive.
But let's start with the positive values and thought of international relationship, thoughts which were part of my mindset when I starting to search for a Chinese companion and have continued during my relationship with Jinlin:
Regarding the negative stereotypes, I do not mean the genuine concerns people have had about genuine challenges in an inter-cultural long-distance relationship. These include Jinlins mother worries of whether Jinlin can really know if she really loves me, my sister worry about possible lack of understanding because of language problems and my friends wondering how a relationship can manage through long months of physical separation. These are all well-meaning concerns from good people arising from care and worry about well-being close people. Such questions rise valid discussions and new insights about ones determination, decisions and understanding of the situation.
My blissful ignorance of any real negative stereotypes, stigmas or moral prejudices towards White Man - Asian Female (WM-AF) was slowly lifted by the occasional (though rare) comments like "raises questions" or "brings up contradictory thoughts". Such comments were hugely baffling to me since I had absolutely no idea what they meant and people making them (usually not very close ones) were usually not giving any clarification as to what exact questions are raised and what contradictions exists about such relationship.
Only in the recent months, after my travel in China with Jinlin, I discussed with some friends my confusion about possible negative ideas some people might have and consequently I started digging internet for some answers with search phrases like "Western man Asian woman". The wealth of answers, opinions and articles I have found and read since them on the topic is large. I must note that all of the material comes from large English-speaking countries, mainly U.S.A., where culture, immigration history, inter-ethnic relationships and moral atmosphere are significantly different from my small Finland. So in many respects the attitudes here are, I think, more relaxed and liberal.
Many of the stereotypes can be coined as words or phrases that can be used in dismissive name-calling that suggest some kind of negative moral behaviour. Some of them concern relationships with significant age difference, some concern relationships between whites and Asians and some combination of these. Below are some terms interesting I have discovered. Many can be found in blogs, discussion boards and articles on WM-AF topics, but best place for concise definitions is http://www.urbandictionary.com
An (Asian) girl that is only with a (western) man because she wants his money. Shell spend it on luxury life until he goes broke and then she'll go for another rich man. Eg. "A lot of people say she was a gold digger, but I think she really loved that 90-year old decrepit penis"
Trophy Wife
A young, attractive (Asian) woman married to an older, more powerful (White) man. His role in the relationship is to provide her with power and material wealth. Hers, beyond providing sex, is to remind others that he is powerful or rich enough to be desirable to such a woman despite his age and thus to serve as a marker of this status, hence the "trophy" part. A specialized type of gold-digger. Eg. "My ass-hole ex-husband went out and got himself a trophy wife as soon as he made partner."
Sugar Daddy
(White) Man old enough to be father of his young (usually 18-25) (Asian) girlfriend. In other words, if people assume your girlfriend is your daughter when they meet you and her, then she is your sugar daughter. It is implied that the man is rich or at least significantly more wealthy than his young woman, the "Sugar Daughter", so there is some aspect of gold-digging in play. Connotations of "dirty old man" for him and "whore / prostitute" for her. Eg. "She uses her sugar daddy for his money, but he sure gets some service in return!" or "Like a genie - he may be a little old Sugar Daddy, but if a girl rubs his lamp, he'll grant her wishes."
The first question is of course: why should I care at all? After all there are zillions stereotypes about zillions of things and their combinations. Specific cases can be completely different from any stereotype. Any moral questioning I have heard about our relationship has been absolutely minimal compared to positive feedback. And, like the great thinker and physicist Richard Feynman said, "What Do You Care What Other People Think?"
- Love conquers challenges of distance and time
- Interest, respect and valuing for both races / cultures
- Equal relationship with listening, understanding and openness.
- Mixing up bloodlines is good for humanity.
Regarding the negative stereotypes, I do not mean the genuine concerns people have had about genuine challenges in an inter-cultural long-distance relationship. These include Jinlins mother worries of whether Jinlin can really know if she really loves me, my sister worry about possible lack of understanding because of language problems and my friends wondering how a relationship can manage through long months of physical separation. These are all well-meaning concerns from good people arising from care and worry about well-being close people. Such questions rise valid discussions and new insights about ones determination, decisions and understanding of the situation.
My blissful ignorance of any real negative stereotypes, stigmas or moral prejudices towards White Man - Asian Female (WM-AF) was slowly lifted by the occasional (though rare) comments like "raises questions" or "brings up contradictory thoughts". Such comments were hugely baffling to me since I had absolutely no idea what they meant and people making them (usually not very close ones) were usually not giving any clarification as to what exact questions are raised and what contradictions exists about such relationship.
Terms of Defamation
Only in the recent months, after my travel in China with Jinlin, I discussed with some friends my confusion about possible negative ideas some people might have and consequently I started digging internet for some answers with search phrases like "Western man Asian woman". The wealth of answers, opinions and articles I have found and read since them on the topic is large. I must note that all of the material comes from large English-speaking countries, mainly U.S.A., where culture, immigration history, inter-ethnic relationships and moral atmosphere are significantly different from my small Finland. So in many respects the attitudes here are, I think, more relaxed and liberal.
Many of the stereotypes can be coined as words or phrases that can be used in dismissive name-calling that suggest some kind of negative moral behaviour. Some of them concern relationships with significant age difference, some concern relationships between whites and Asians and some combination of these. Below are some terms interesting I have discovered. Many can be found in blogs, discussion boards and articles on WM-AF topics, but best place for concise definitions is http://www.urbandictionary.com
 |
| Rupert Murdoch and wife Wendi Deng |
Yellow Fever / Asian Fetish
Refers to white men that have sexual preference for Asian women. Connotations include mental disease, sexual fetish, obsession and belittling of non-Asian women. Eg. "An Asian-American girl was harassed by some psycho who had a bad case of yellow fever."
Gold-digger
 |
| Nicolas Cage and wife Alice Kim |
A young, attractive (Asian) woman married to an older, more powerful (White) man. His role in the relationship is to provide her with power and material wealth. Hers, beyond providing sex, is to remind others that he is powerful or rich enough to be desirable to such a woman despite his age and thus to serve as a marker of this status, hence the "trophy" part. A specialized type of gold-digger. Eg. "My ass-hole ex-husband went out and got himself a trophy wife as soon as he made partner."
Sugar Daddy
(White) Man old enough to be father of his young (usually 18-25) (Asian) girlfriend. In other words, if people assume your girlfriend is your daughter when they meet you and her, then she is your sugar daughter. It is implied that the man is rich or at least significantly more wealthy than his young woman, the "Sugar Daughter", so there is some aspect of gold-digging in play. Connotations of "dirty old man" for him and "whore / prostitute" for her. Eg. "She uses her sugar daddy for his money, but he sure gets some service in return!" or "Like a genie - he may be a little old Sugar Daddy, but if a girl rubs his lamp, he'll grant her wishes."
So what..?
The first question is of course: why should I care at all? After all there are zillions stereotypes about zillions of things and their combinations. Specific cases can be completely different from any stereotype. Any moral questioning I have heard about our relationship has been absolutely minimal compared to positive feedback. And, like the great thinker and physicist Richard Feynman said, "What Do You Care What Other People Think?"
But I am curious person and my curiosity was aroused by my complete surprise about even a hint of indecency implied to our relationship. Because I am a rather trusting (even naive) person in the sense of assuming people have positive intentions, I find negative assumptions rather interesting. Furthermore, I am a layman philosopher and a Skeptic and therefore interested in digging deeper to reasons and root causes of beliefs, stereotypes and moral prejudices. I am interested in the arguments (if any) presented for such beliefs, possible logical fallacies in such arguments and the social and cultural historical evolution of such beliefs. In the past when investigating some moral issues I have often found that when the fog of ad hominem arguments, name calling and circular logic is cleared away, very little is left of any judgemental moral position.
And finally, being a morally sensitive person, I want to have the humility to occasionally reflect on my own thoughts, motivations and behaviours, find out if there actually is something that I don't feel in the end morally acceptable and, if necessary, change my ways.
Good couples and bad couples?
It is obvious that not all WM/AF relationships are equal. Christine Tan writes in her blog:
There are the WM/AF relationships which I firmly believe are equal partnerships between two egalitarian, colorblind individuals who respect each other’s cultures and beliefs. However, as someone recently reminded me, there are those kinds of WM/AF relationships that give the rest of us a bad name — the ones that are formed on the perhaps covert and destructive valuing of the white man’s race and culture over the Asian woman’s, where the white man has little regard for his partner’s culture, or sees her as a trophy.
An obvious way to defend myself (not that it is clear that any defence is needed) would be simply to state that we have with Jinlin great respect and interest to both of our cultures (both our own and each others), no thoughts of superiority of any race and motivation rising from love rather than getting something to display as trophy. While these things are true, I hesitate to make the argument along these lines because that would yield to the implicit argument that having any other set of motivations would be morally bad. I do not see that demonstrated in convincing way.
I am liberal (in the sense of accepting and allowing) in my moral thinking: I think that with two consenting adults, with understanding of each others expectations and wishes, all mutually agreed choices, behaviours and relationships should be morally acceptable regardless of the content of the expectations and wishes in question. The "parameters" of a relationship between two consenting adults, including their motivations and reasons for the relationship, should not matter and should not be judged from outside by me of anyone else. Hetero or homo - both acceptable. Age difference or no age difference - both acceptable. Same skin colour or different skin colours - both acceptable. Same culture or different cultures - both acceptable. Interested in each others cultures or interested just in sex and watching TV - both acceptable. Same level of wealth or different level of wealth - both acceptable. Both working of other one working - both acceptable. Both equally dominant or other more dominant and other more submissive - both acceptable. Having true love or having other reasons for relationship - both acceptable.
So I want to hit the "Sugar Daddy & Gold Digger" stereotype and stigma at its root and logical extrapolation: the stigma for paid sex, prostitution and whore. The relationship between a sex worker and her (or his) client if clearly very non-symmetric: the partners have significant differences in their sources of motivation for the relationship. But this asymmetry in itself cannot be valid argument for immorality of prostitution as long as both partners have mutual understanding of the conditions and expectations and freely engage in the relationship from their own will. On the contrary, I am willing to argue that freely-wanted prostitution is as morally acceptable as any freely-wanted relationship. There are good arguments to let go the stigma of prostitution like we have in the past given up other stigmas of sexuality. For example feminist Clarisse Thorn writes very analytically how whore-stigma does not make any sense:
The biggest problem with the whore-stigma is not among sex-workers themselves but in the fact how the stigma is used to bully and taint and belittle lives of billions of non-sex-worker women on the planet:
Whore: Not Bad
So I want to hit the "Sugar Daddy & Gold Digger" stereotype and stigma at its root and logical extrapolation: the stigma for paid sex, prostitution and whore. The relationship between a sex worker and her (or his) client if clearly very non-symmetric: the partners have significant differences in their sources of motivation for the relationship. But this asymmetry in itself cannot be valid argument for immorality of prostitution as long as both partners have mutual understanding of the conditions and expectations and freely engage in the relationship from their own will. On the contrary, I am willing to argue that freely-wanted prostitution is as morally acceptable as any freely-wanted relationship. There are good arguments to let go the stigma of prostitution like we have in the past given up other stigmas of sexuality. For example feminist Clarisse Thorn writes very analytically how whore-stigma does not make any sense:
"Stigma is an interesting beastie. Whore stigma is particularly interesting, in part because it makes no sense and falls apart the minute it’s exposed to any rational analysis whatsoever. Yet somehow, even though it makes no sense, it is a constant and often overwhelming social force that shapes the lives of all women. [...] What’s weird about these conversations [about rewards for sex], though, is that everyone almost always gets caught up in the question of who’s a whore and who’s not a whore — and in the confusion, very few people think to question whether whore stigma itself is insane and divisive and harmful. This even happens during conversations that start with the intent of questioning the very concept of whore stigma."
"...being an “actual” sex worker is in no way a requirement for being called a whore, or for having whore stigma slammed in your face. Any woman who carries condoms might as well be a whore, right? Not even thirteen-year-old girls are exempt from whore stigma, as we learned from Hope Witsell’s suicide last year. Hope sexted a boy who betrayed her and sent her message all over the school — at which point she was punished severely, was socially ostracized, and killed herself."We should drop the whole whore-stigma and it's evil twin, the "dirty old pervert man" -stigma. Regarding the latter, if old man buying groceries is not dirty, old man having sex with his wife is not dirty, young man buying sex is not dirty, what possibly could make the combination of the three "dirty"? With the abolition of these stigmas and their negative moral connotations from our minds (not, unfortunately, from the wider society yet), we can rejoice of any happiness that any couples get from any relationship for any motivations instead of sulking in "bad, bad, bad" moods in some cases. This also relieves people like me an Jinlin from the implicit burden of continuously presenting enough evidence that we are together for the traditionally "right" reasons (which we are) and not for some traditionally "bad" reasons (which should be okay as well).
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