New Year, New Sorrow, New Hope

The new year unfortunately does not seem to bring help to Jinlins tough pressures at her tough school. From her recent writings I have learned some new Chinese words and phrases that I perhaps hoped not to ever hear, such as:

压力 很 大 ( Yā lì  Hěn  Dà ): High pressure  

严重 失眠 ( Yán zhòng  Shī mián ): Serious imsomnia 

焦虑 ( Jiāo lǜ ): Anxiety

窒息 的 感觉 ( Zhì xí  De  Gǎn jué ): Feel like choking 

安眠药 ( Ān mián yào ): Sleeping pills

You get the point. Not the kind of stuff you learn in basic language course. I try of course to support her in the ways I can but the distance makes it occasionally difficult. Especially when she has high mental barrier to chat when feeling bad:

我 很 难 打开 心 去 说 我的 内心 事情
Wǒ  Hěn  Nán  Dǎ kāi  Xīn  Qù  Shuō  Wǒ de  Nèi xīn  Shì qíng，
It is very difficult for me to open my heart and speak of my hearts matters 

 我 也 不 知道 为什么
Wǒ  Yě  Bù  Zhī dào  Wèi shé me
Even I do not know why

I can understand that from my own past experience but it still leads to difficult situation. I have told her that I have in my own past experienced stress and anxiety and that she should not be afraid to talk with me any time she feels bad or alone.

Where Love is, Hope is

Video chat with Jinlin 3.1.2013

I do not claim to have full understanding of all the things that bring hardship to Jinlins life at the moment. The pressure of performing well at the university is surely the biggest cause, but I think other things compound to that. I told her:

I hope you do not feel any pressure about me visiting you in China. I do not want to cause you any pressure. So please tell me if you do not want me to come ( Wǒ  Xī wàng  Nǐ  Méi yǒu  Yā lì  Wǒ  Lái  Zhōng guó. Wǒ  Bù  Yào  Wǒ  Gěi  Nǐ  Yìng lì. Suǒ yǐ  Nǐ  Kě yǐ  Gào su  Wǒ  Rú guǒ  Nǐ  Bù  Yào  Wǒ  Lái  )

I was happy to hear:

I understand. Do not worry, you don't cause pressure. ( 我 明白 。别 担心 你 不 是 压力 )

I hope she can grow more open to discuss with me things wide and deep like I think we did in the beginning and like I think is essential for good long-term development of any relationship.

I am happy that the good moments are still good moments despite being separated by hardship, anxiety and days of sad silence. Although she has issues and I have issues and our relationship has practical issues, it seems to me that on emotional level our relationship remains surprisingly pure and issue-free. When we can talk, we are happy and smile and laugh together. In a video chat on 3.1. many good words were written and spoken:

I am very happy you care about me (我 很 开心 你 关心 我)
Thank you for helping me in my times of poverty and hardhip (谢谢 你 在 我 很 落魄 的 时候 帮助 我)
You know my heart is very fragile (你 知道 在 我的 内心 很 脆弱)

I know. I am worried because I love you (我 知道 . 我 担心 因为 我 喜欢 你)
I hope your mother also understands how fragile you are now (我 希望 你的 妈妈 也 明白 你 脆弱)

I know you love me (我 知道 你 爱 我 )，
I love you much (我 很 爱 你)
I will take the time to open my heart to you (我 会 抽时间 告诉 你 我的 内心)