As be come apparent on my recent visit to Xinxian to meet Jinlin, her relationship with her mother had become very strained. Three weeks ago she informed be that she has changed her QQ messaging ID and her email address. Soon after, on 4.3. she wrote to me rather dramatic email:
This is even more dramatic when one considers the traditionally great importance of families and parents in China. I told her I am sad about her trouble with her mother but happy that she wants to come to Finland and we can finally live together as planned already so long time ago. I told I will help her in getting all the paperwork arranged. To my question if she wants to come in summer or already in the spring, she answered: 现在 / xiàn zài ( now ).
Next day I sent her invitation letters for visa application and instructions to apply for Finnish visa in the Shanghai consulate of Finland. On 7.3. she told she has read my instructions and will start to investigate.
I was happy that we would soon be together. But then silence fell again.
But no email come. Friday 15.3, Saturday 16.3, Sunday 17.3, Monday 18.3,... Only positive thing for me was that I had now stopped trying to send her QQ messages or emails, so the lack of messages from China did not feel so acutely bad. And luckily for me I have interesting and engaging work, many friends and activities, associations and hobbies. I can keep myself busy with interesting stuff though the worry and stress about Jinlin still lurks in my mind.
On Monday 18.3. I resorted again to sending SMS to her asking how are the problems with email going on. No reply. Tuesday 19.3 passed, so did Wednesday 20.3. On Thursday 21.3. I sent her longer SMS asking if she still wants to try to come to Finland "now" and saying that I can come again to Shanghai in the beginning of summer if that feels not better to her. No reply. No reply on Friday 22.3 either.
I hate speculation. I have been in relationships where the other partner engages in extensive negative speculation from the slightest instance of lack of information or lack of contact. That can be poisonous. I don't want any of that. But in the other end of the speculation spectrum is the total lack of speculation or conclusions in the face of glaring evidence: such people we call naive. It is difficult to say what is the optimal point between in engaging too eagerly in negative speculation and being naive. And if one does enter into negative speculation, even more difficult is to determine proper content for the negative possibilities: Was she not wanting to come to Finland any more? Is the "loosing of QQ" just an excuse for some other unspoken reason for the lack or communication? Does she not care of my often stated pain of her silence? Why does she not use PC in a web cafe to communicate? Has she been hit by a car and I will never know? Am I a complete fool and missing something I should see? How long should I wait before declaring our relationship dead? Possibilities are endless once one gets going. Good time to listen to Denis Kenzo – Lullaby Lonely - Progressive Mix Edit
Yesterday, Saturday 23.3., I was once more sending Jinlin SMS in my clumsy PC-assisted way. As a remarkable coincidence, on the same minute I sent the message, I got a long email from her. She wrote:
It is mentally tiresome to alternate between optimism and pessimism. Things must be so stressful to her now since her difficult situation stresses me as well. I hope in the end all will be well and we can just tell our children about the dramatic events on the path of mom and dad getting together...
Oh, one particularly sad thing. Jinlin had a cat, lovely young cat rescued from the street, Simba. She often talked about the cat and sent to me pictures and videos of the cat. She really loved Simba. When she went to university, Simba stayed with her mom. Now Jinlin wrote:
我 可以 告诉 你 她 残忍 的 把 我 的 猫 扔掉 。。。一系列 的 事情
wǒ kě yǐ gào su nǐ，tā cán rěn de bǎ wǒ de māo rēng diào 。。。yī xì liè de shì qing
I can tell you, my mother has been cruelly throwing my cat away... many bad things...
我 和 我 的 妈妈 吵架 / wǒ hé wǒ de mā ma chǎo jià。
I have been in quarrel with my mother
她 做 了 很 多 伤害 我 的 事情 / tā zuò le hěn duō shāng hài wǒ de shì qing
She has done much harm to me
我 和 我 妈妈 分开 了/ wǒ hé wǒ mā ma fēn kāi le
I have been breaking relationship with my mother
我 以后 没有 妈妈 了/ wǒ yǐ hòu méi yǒu mā ma le。
I do not have a mother any more
现在 我 不想 再 学校 继续 学习 / xiàn zài wǒ bù xiǎng zài xué xiào jì xù xué xí
I do not want to continue studying here any more
我 计划 离开 我 的 学校 / wǒ jì huà lí kāi wǒ de xué xiào
I am planning to quit the school here
发生 很 多 烦恼 / fā shēng hěn duō fán nǎo
Many troubling things have been happening
我 不想 在 中国 / wǒ bù xiǎng zài Zhōng guó
I do not want to be in China any more
我 想 去 找 你 / wǒ xiǎng qù zhǎo nǐ
I want to come to be with you
This is even more dramatic when one considers the traditionally great importance of families and parents in China. I told her I am sad about her trouble with her mother but happy that she wants to come to Finland and we can finally live together as planned already so long time ago. I told I will help her in getting all the paperwork arranged. To my question if she wants to come in summer or already in the spring, she answered: 现在 / xiàn zài ( now ).
Next day I sent her invitation letters for visa application and instructions to apply for Finnish visa in the Shanghai consulate of Finland. On 7.3. she told she has read my instructions and will start to investigate.
The return of the sad silence
I was happy that we would soon be together. But then silence fell again.
- Friday 8.3. I sent her small QQ messages throughout the day. I got no replies. She did not seem to be logged on in QQ at any point. I sent her email asking why has she not been logging to QQ.
- Saturday 9.3. no replies from her in QQ or email. Continued to send small QQ messages, telling I worry because she does not reply me.
- Sunday 10.3 no replies from her in QQ or email. Continued to send small QQ messages, telling I worry because she does not reply me. Also sent her another email asking if we could chat in QQ. I wrote I want to help her with her plan to come to Finland but if she does not write to me I cannot help her.
- Monday 11.3. no replies from her in QQ or email. Continued to send small QQ messages, telling I worry a lot. Also sending her small email asking why she is not writing. I also wrote a blog post about the gifts we had been giving each other in attempt to keep optimistic about our relationship.
- Tuesday 12.3. no replies from her in QQ or email. Continued to send small QQ messages, telling I am very sad because she does not reply.
- Wednesday 13.3. no replies from her in QQ or email. Continued to send small QQ messages. Also getting desperate enough to try sending her SMS messages. We have very rarely used SMS messages to communicate, mostly because they are very expensive compared to free QQ. Also, my phone does not have tools for writing Chinese, so I have to use very clumsy system of writing Chinese message with my PC, sending it to myself in email, opening the email with my phone and copy-pasting to a message. Furthermore, when I was in Xinxian, Jinlins own phone had been getting broken and she was using another phone and phone number borrowed from her friend. So I did not have high hopes of getting through with SMS, but nevertheless sent one to both her old number and the temporary number.
- Thursday 14.2. I got a reply to my SMS from her! So the phone at least works! She replied from her old phone saying 我 的 QQ 丢 失去, meaning "I have lost my QQ account". Ok, that explained a lot, though I don't know how such account can be "lost", but assumed she means both the QQ chat and QQ email, both of which had been unsuccessful in reaching her. I replied to her that she should try get her email working or get some other email account. She sent SMS saying she will do that.
But no email come. Friday 15.3, Saturday 16.3, Sunday 17.3, Monday 18.3,... Only positive thing for me was that I had now stopped trying to send her QQ messages or emails, so the lack of messages from China did not feel so acutely bad. And luckily for me I have interesting and engaging work, many friends and activities, associations and hobbies. I can keep myself busy with interesting stuff though the worry and stress about Jinlin still lurks in my mind.
On Monday 18.3. I resorted again to sending SMS to her asking how are the problems with email going on. No reply. Tuesday 19.3 passed, so did Wednesday 20.3. On Thursday 21.3. I sent her longer SMS asking if she still wants to try to come to Finland "now" and saying that I can come again to Shanghai in the beginning of summer if that feels not better to her. No reply. No reply on Friday 22.3 either.
I hate speculation. I have been in relationships where the other partner engages in extensive negative speculation from the slightest instance of lack of information or lack of contact. That can be poisonous. I don't want any of that. But in the other end of the speculation spectrum is the total lack of speculation or conclusions in the face of glaring evidence: such people we call naive. It is difficult to say what is the optimal point between in engaging too eagerly in negative speculation and being naive. And if one does enter into negative speculation, even more difficult is to determine proper content for the negative possibilities: Was she not wanting to come to Finland any more? Is the "loosing of QQ" just an excuse for some other unspoken reason for the lack or communication? Does she not care of my often stated pain of her silence? Why does she not use PC in a web cafe to communicate? Has she been hit by a car and I will never know? Am I a complete fool and missing something I should see? How long should I wait before declaring our relationship dead? Possibilities are endless once one gets going. Good time to listen to Denis Kenzo – Lullaby Lonely - Progressive Mix Edit
Breaking the silence
Yesterday, Saturday 23.3., I was once more sending Jinlin SMS in my clumsy PC-assisted way. As a remarkable coincidence, on the same minute I sent the message, I got a long email from her. She wrote:
我 没有 手机 / wǒ méi yǒu shǒu jī
I do not have a cellphone now
我 的 电脑 没有 网络 / wǒ de diàn nǎo méi yǒu Wǎng luò
My computer does not have a network connection
很 遗憾 中间 发生 了 / hěn yí hàn zhōng jiān fā shēng le
All the the things that have happened meanwhile are very regretful
很 多 不愉快 的 事情 我 和 我 妈妈 / hěn duō bù yú kuài de shì qing wǒ hé wǒ mā
There are so many things I disagree about with my mother
我 想 很 快 去 芬兰 / wǒ xiǎng hěn kuài qù Fēn lán
I want for come to Finland really soon
但是 我 不知 道 去 哪里 办理 / dàn shì wǒ bù zhī dào qù nǎ lǐ bàn lǐ,
But I do not know where to arrange everything
自己 一个人 很 多 东西 都 不知 道 / zì jǐ yī gè rén hěn duō dōng xi dōu bù zhī dào
I am alone and there are many things I do not know
我 在 上海 ， 办理 业务 要 开 很 多 相关 的 证明
wǒ zài Shàng hǎi ， bàn lǐ yè wù yào kāi hěn duō xiāng guān de zhèng míng
I am in Shanghai, starting to try to obtain all the documents and certificates
我 要 在 芬兰 居住 下来 我 还 要 在 我 的 家 开 相关 证明She is brave and I hope we will succeed in getting a VISA for her. Getting a Finnish VISA for her is definitely more complex than getting Chinese VISA for me. Breaking up with her mother will not make it easier for her to obtain all the necessary documents and I think she will soon run out of money as well. Having scattered internet connection at best will make it difficult for me to help her. I was suggesting again to her to go to the Finnish embassy with all the documents she has, the documents I have sent her and the VISA application and they should be able to help her in specifying what extra stuff she needs exactly.
wǒ yào zài Fēn lán jū zhù xià lai wǒ hái yào zài wǒ de jiā kāi xiāng guān zhèng míng
I want reside permanently in Finland, I need additional certificates about my home.
It is mentally tiresome to alternate between optimism and pessimism. Things must be so stressful to her now since her difficult situation stresses me as well. I hope in the end all will be well and we can just tell our children about the dramatic events on the path of mom and dad getting together...
Oh, one particularly sad thing. Jinlin had a cat, lovely young cat rescued from the street, Simba. She often talked about the cat and sent to me pictures and videos of the cat. She really loved Simba. When she went to university, Simba stayed with her mom. Now Jinlin wrote:
我 可以 告诉 你 她 残忍 的 把 我 的 猫 扔掉 。。。一系列 的 事情
wǒ kě yǐ gào su nǐ，tā cán rěn de bǎ wǒ de māo rēng diào 。。。yī xì liè de shì qing
I can tell you, my mother has been cruelly throwing my cat away... many bad things...
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| Simba and Jinlin during better times |
